Undefinable Collection of Random Thoughts

Wednesday, 14 November 2018

Waiting In Line

Greetings Internet, 
I feel like I’ve reached crisis level and somehow whenever that happens this is exactly where I end up. 
Lectures, assignments, deadlines, work – they are all looming thunderously above me, mingling together in this sickly churning cloud which swirls down in thin vortexes to take the form of smoky fingers placing firmly against my shoulders dragging me back as soon as I begin to make any kind of progress in my life. 2500 word analytical Chinese assignment, ten hours of law lectures to catch up on and uncompleted stats practicals alone suddenly feel like a physical blow that sends me staggering. 
There are times when I am in the most blissful state of semi-selective ignorance ever. The sun is shining, I’m walking through the city with my usual coffee order in hand and I can’t keep the smile off my face as I think of all the steady progress in all the little things in my life. But recently, the majority is not the latter. 
College has not exactly been what I had expected and a little bit of a shock to the system. Not going to lie, I had a major phase of wanting to drop out and I am well aware how ridiculous that sounds after only completing six weeks of a major but let me try explain my state of mind with a more down-to-earth analogy based on something that has really been on my mind recently. 
You know them nights when you go out-out but you and your friends leave the venue of your pre-drinks too late and suddenly you’re left in the queue of your favourite nightclub as due to the popularity of the venue, it reaches overcapacity. So the line ends up being an in-one-out-one kinda thing. And well the line tends to be a lot of fun for the first while. Everyone’s a little tipsy, making friends has never been easier, and I am sure you know exactly what I’m on about. But at the same time, waiting is not exactly everyone’s cup of tea. It’s definitely not my cup of tea to an extent. There is a point when you’re like “Okay we’re waiting”, ”Okay it’s getting old now and I’m sobering up”, “Okay it’s officially ancient history, I am sick of waiting is this even worth it” because although you know you’ve been inside the nightclub, and you know you had fun there before - and that’s great -  but you’re still waiting outside. It is not fun to wait for something that you know will be fun in your life. In this situation, people are doing everything they possibly can to get in, they try get the attention of the bouncer and what not and although there is a number of other places to go out to that night, everyone wants to enter this particular venue based on the hype around it. 
This line for a nightclub can kind of easily align with how my life has been up to this point. I feel like in my life I have been in this kind of waiting period. Even way back, I feel like I have always been in waiting periods. Waiting to finish school, waiting to turn eighteen, waiting to start college, waiting to have enough time to blog. I feel like I am always waiting for my life to begin and to do the ‘fun stuff’ and that’s exactly my problem. 
And I feel now I have reached a crossroad where I definitely do not know what to do. A common piece of advice always given in difficult situations is to follow our ‘gut instinct’, but currently I just feel like mine is not doing its job because I am as clueless as ever as to what I want and am simply filled with fear.
I fear I am such a jumbled mess of creativity and passion and determination so tightly wrapped, that I’ll never be able to unravel it into any kind of achievement.
I fear that I'll go from being what people tell me they regard me as now - 'someone you know is going places' - to someone they'll eventually refer to in passing as: 'You know, I was certain she was going to do something. I was always so sure she was going to create something that would change the world.' to which they'd then sigh and say 'I guess she had all of these ideas, but... she could never actually put them into practice. Such a shame.'

I fear my own desperation for achievement because I feel the weight of it slowly crushing my optimism, my drive, my determination. The need to create something important in the world is slowly destroying my faith in my ability to actually do it.

I fear I can never be as good enough as the person I’ve duped myself, and everyone else, into thinking I already am.

And I guess this fear is so strong because I know it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I believe I’m not strong enough, I’m not good enough, I’ll never live up to the expectations of me, then I won’t. And so the greatest fear of all here, is that I won’t be able to snap out of this. That I will cause my own downfall by believing that it will happen.

The only way I can describe it, as usual, is through elaborate metaphor. It's as though for countless years I've been the sole resident of this grand sprawling mansion, knowing every dark corner and secret staircase, every room, doorway, courtyard and corridor like the back of my hand, every object inside in its rightful place. Then, one day out of apparent nowhere, I find a door I've always walked past but never taken notice of before, and placing my hand against that ancient wood, I've pushed it open to discover an entire wing of the house I never knew existed. 

I feel a new hollowness in me and a weird need for progression. I am sick of the waiting period but then, with sweet self-sympathy and a sigh, I realise that I’ve no idea how to make the progress to get out of it.

I may have drafted more pro’s and con’s lists than I can count, plaguing my journals with question marks, I may be overthinking to the point where I feel my brain is about to explode but that’s because its all much deeper, it’s not a want for the success, the money, the recognition or the pride I truly want out of my life. 

At the very root of my most basic want out of everything for myself is…well.

I just want to be god dang happy.

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