Undefinable Collection of Random Thoughts

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

My First Tattoo: What & Why

Greetings Internet,

So on the 17th of January, on a sunny Wednesday morning I headed into a tattoo parlour to start my journey with tattoos. To give you a bit more background information, I have loved tattoos from an early age. I am well aware people have various opinions on tattoos and I respect them all however, I am someone that has always known that tattoos would be my thing which is why I never questioned my decision to get a tattoo at 18. I just think tattoos are such an incredible form of self-expression and a beautiful form to portray bits of ones personality and meaningful life experiences by the use of art and writing.
Although I have always known that tattoos would one day cover my body, I never planned my first tattoo until the week before when I had a spontaneous moment of visiting multiple tattoo parlours in search of the perfect tattoo artist for me. If you’re thinking of getting a tattoo, one of my top tips would definitely be to shop around because once you do, you will realise you will get different prices everywhere and also be sure to keep in mind each tattoo artist has their own style so finding the perfect one, may take a good amount of research.
I wanted my first tattoo to be something simple, yet meaningful to me.  I also wanted it placed on a part of my body I could hide or reveal as I saw fit. When it came down to actually pick something to be tattooed on my body forever, it was no doubt a huge and exciting decision but what I initially went with was “You won’t but you might” which I got tattooed across my rib. It is a combination of words which may seem very random at first but let me explain…
"You won’t but you might” is a lyric from one of my favourite songs “Between the Bars” by Elliott Smith. This song is one which I kind of consider ‘my song’ if that makes sense because it was one I turned  to in a difficult time and continue to turn to on days where living gets a bit much.
The origin of the lyric means a lot to me in itself however the meaning of ‘You won’t but you might’ to me is ultimately why the tattoo is now inked on my body. Everyone in life comes across situations which tear us down and break us into pieces and that is unfortunately unavoidable. My tattoo is simply a reminder to me that when progress sometimes grinds to a halt and in times when I may feel like I don’t have the strength in me to face the obstacles in life, I can still do it. I may doubt myself along the way, but I can do it, even in times when the universe does not fully have my back.
Another meaning, probably the main one actually, is to be self-dependent, to love however not to prioritize people’s needs above my own because at the end of the day, self-care should always be the priority. On numerous occasions throughout my life, I have gotten hurt by other people, sometimes it was their fault, sometimes my own but regardless – it hurt. People I cared about made me promises which unfortunately were not kept and “You wont but you might” is a reminder that no matter what someone says, promises are broken and people change and at the end of the day, I have to learn to depend on myself for my own happiness. At times I got hurt because of me pouring all my love and care out on another person, forgetting about my own needs and what I’ve learned the hard way is that you can’t help others unless you help yourself first because it simply never ends well. I am a caring person by nature and made that mistake quite a few times but have now learned that what I need and want is just as important as helping people I care about.
On a positive note, “You won’t but you might” is also a major self-love statement for me because even though I may feel like I won’t achieve my goals and most far-fetched dreams, I still might get there.
So that’s the meaning which I hope I managed to get across correctly because it is a bit hard for me to put into words . I hope you enjoyed this post. If you would be interested in me doing a post on the actual tattoo experience as well as my advice and tips for getting your first tattoo, do let me know and I’ll happily do one. I definitely plan to get more tattoos in the future and my ‘Tattoos To Do” journal keeps growing so I’ll be sure to keep you all updated.
All the love,


Wednesday, 4 April 2018

Openly to the forever important ones: part one.

I saw you that night. At that night club I don’t even remember the name of. Your head bobbing up and down in the crowd as you were floating in a sea of people on the other side of the room. You looked left. You looked right. Catching glimpses of whatever it was that was calling your attention.
Someone bumps into you. You spill a little bit of your drink on your shoes, and I can tell you’re irritated by the way you smile so politely to the drunk girl scrambling all over herself to apologize.
You keep coming towards me. You haven’t seen me yet. You’re by yourself, as far as I can tell.
A thought crosses my mind. How have you been? Who do you spend your time with these days?
You push even further through the crowd towards me. We’re meters apart now. You look down to find your footing in the thrall of bodies surrounding you, and then you look back up.
Directly into my eyes.
Months worth of memories and feelings instantly jolt across the room above the swaying heads. Do they see it as it passes over them?
Do they see that time we were really drunk at a party and ended up in a nearby field as you so badly tried to teach me those star constellations you adore so much? Do they see that moment when you brought me to your favourite place as you first told me you loved me? Do they see the conversations about everything and nothing or the rainy Saturdays at yours?
How can they not see these things? They’re flying right over their heads at a thousand miles an hour, from my eyes to yours. I see them. But more than anything, the emotion attached to those events. That’s all I can see.
You hold the gaze just long enough to transfer a lifetime back and forth, but not long enough to rekindle a fire that’s died out. Somewhere inside, my heart breaks a little.
You grin at me muttering a quick ‘Hi’. You look down again. You try to find your footing and continue to push through the crowd. You pass right by me. Your hand gently nudges me aside as you do. Another body in a crowd. Now we’re just a body in each other’s way.
As you pushed through the crowd out of my sight I pondered upon the pain I felt when it was over. I thought about it for a minute as on the outside I laughed with my friends walking further away from our little encounter.
Then I saw you again later that night.
It was 3am as I stood out waiting for my friends to grab their takeaways after a fairly successful night out. It was raining. Absolutely pouring. I didn’t really mind though. Maybe it was the alcohol or the tiredness and longing for my bed I felt. Probably a mixture of all those things. Then in between the laughter caused by a joke a drunk stranger shared, I lifted my head, letting the rain fall on the leftover makeup on my face – and I saw you. You were walking in the opposite direction to where I was standing, with your back to me, a pretty blonde’s hand intertwined with yours as she drunkly swirled around the dimly lit street hugging you. And I smiled. It was my most genuine smile in a long time.
It is easy to say you’re over someone when you’re not experiencing their presence in your life but when you see them it really is a whole other story. Everything comes back hitting you harder than the love itself. But at that moment, as I saw you with somebody else, it truly didn’t affect me and I was happily ready to truly let you go.
I do think about you sometimes though. I always will. I think about you with a firm realization that it is okay to miss something but not want it back. I think about what you’re doing, who you’ve become, what parts of your personality have risen to the top or almost faded away now in all this time without me. I guess it is kind of selfish to center questions about you around our relationship, but you have to understand that I only knew you in one context. No matter how great life gets, to this day, I sometimes see something that reminds me of you and relive our moments in my mind, just for a brief second, before returning back to reality. But I realized that whenever I do, I always feel a strange combination of sadness and joy.
Sadness for the lack of the feeling that the thought of you used to fill me with.
The lack of that feeling that made me feel so alive. You really proved to me that that feeling exists, not something I fully believed before I met you.
But I also feel happiness as there are still good things to take out of it all, so much that I learned. I hope you learned too. I hope that you can look back and see things about us that make you smile. We were clueless alright but I hope you can see things that remind you how much fun it was, and things that make you laugh at us - because I definitely do. All the little things. We really did think we knew it all.
I feel like I was so much younger when we broke up, even though it wasn’t that long ago. It took me a while but I understood that people outgrow each other in ways we have no control over. We were simply not right and that’s okay. When I look back, I know it was too much too young.
I wish you could see me now. I know it sounds stupid, but I wish you could look at the progress I’ve made in my life and how strong I’ve become. You letting go of me that day a year ago made me flourish in ways your presence would have never allowed me to. I’d love for you to see how all the insecurity that used to control me drifted into the unknown as I learned the importance of self-care. The girl who sought constant reassurance, exuded relentless insecurities and had zero ability to take control of her life is a foreigner to me now. I’d love for you to see how much I have grown and who I’ve become and how things have changed I guess. I’m almost unrecognizable now that I’m not walking on eggshells.
I hope you understand that I will always care for you, in a different way though. More like a distant friend who you’ve lost touch with but still long to laugh with every so often.
I have some good memories with you and I choose to remember you that way. You helped me grow in ways no one else has and I’ll forever be grateful for that. Did I mention I don’t overthink anymore? When I say I want you to be happy, I completely mean it. And I hope you’re well. I hope you’re living life the way you wanted to, and have gained enough perspective to know, that something doesn’t have to last forever to have value.

Although the pain outweighed our memories for a little too long, I’m all good now like I promised myself I would be. Just the way I told myself on-repeat on my way to see you that Sunday morning before it was over. I’ve found that yes, the good times do outweigh the bad, but love outweighs pain – and I no longer feel a thing.
All the love kid. x

A Wardrobe Spring Clean: A 5 Step Battle.

Greetings Internet,

Yes, yes – little ol’ me is back with more tips and tricks. This time I am bleating on about clearing out, decluttering and storage – all of my absolute favourite things. But seriously, I do love a good tidy up every now and again. The amazing lil’ rays of sunshine are back to wake us up each morning which I am pretty chuffed about and used as an opportunity to give myself the green light to dust off my spring/summer clothing out from under the bed. I rid my wardrobe of the heavy coats and knits and treated myself to some new purchases. I have learned a few lessons along the way about the whole thing that I thought I would share since these type of posts of mine seem to be something you all enjoy the most.  If you’d like to see the steps I do when I complete one of my mega clear-outs (that goes on for hours when I think it will take about 30 minutes) then have your bin bags at the ready...

Empty it all out.
Grab everything that is in your wardrobe. Take it out and put it onto a bed or somewhere nearby. I find it is just so much easier and nicer to visually see what you’ve got, when it is all laid out instead of it being all crammed up in your wardrobe. While the wardrobe itself is nice and empty, give it a good scrub because if the corners of your wardrobe are anything like mine, they do not see a duster or an anti-bacterial wipe for a VERY long time. Give it a clean and suddenly it is left ready and fresh to get refilled.

This is when you want to get your piles down. Divide your clothing into four piles:
Keep – An obvious one of course. Here you put whatever you wear daily and are certain needs to stay. Just be sure not to make this pile too big or else decluttering won’t actually be a thing. The way I analyse the clothing for this pile is by trying to come up with at least two outfits that I could use the item of clothing with at least two outfits.

Season inappropriate – Clothes that you’d usually pop into the ‘keep’ pile but you know you’re not going to wear right now. This is the pile for those bits. So since we’re doing a Spring clean, all the hats, gloves, sweaters, heavy coats, anything that is particularly wooly – it’s got to go. Place these things in a box and place under your bed or somewhere out of the way until it is needed once again.

Time to say goodbye - Split this pile up between a charity bag and a bag filled with clothes that are just that extra bit special and can find love in your friend’s wardrobe. A good way to find things to go in here is to follow the 12 month rule. If you have not worn it in the last year, you more than likely will not. A fun way to revamp your wardrobe is if all your friends do a clear-out and you have a fun girly night swapping clothes that the owner no longer wants. You all end up doing a clear-out and end up with new bits for free, can it get any better than that?

The maybes - This is a bit of a weird one and I’d keep it optional. This is where you put clothes that do not really fit elsewhere. Maybe you have worn that flowery blouse that was an impulse buy in the last twelve months but it is not exactly one you revisit often. What you do in that situation is put all those clothes away in a pile or a bag for about six weeks (set a reminder on your phone for this one!). If you see the reminder in six weeks and you’re not excited to browse the pile, then it is time to simply get rid of it.

Rethink Storage
It may sound boring but if you’re an organisation enthusiast like myself, this is the fun part. A quick visit to Home Sense or an IKEA can make the biggest difference. Rethink where you put things and is there a more convenient way to store things to make your life easier when getting ready. This will be one you’ll be grateful for weeks to follow. Have a look around, see what space you’re working with and get to it.

Strategy is key
Actually organising the clothes is where we’re at next. You can find your own way of doing this that suits your lifestyle best but two common ways of organising your wardrobe are:

Heaviest to lightest: This is personally my favourite and how I organise my wardrobe. Starting with coats and jackets working your way down until you reach the lightest pieces like blouses and t-shirts. I find this way the most convenient for putting outfits together because all tops and bottoms are separate and you really get a good view of what you’ve got.

Colour coordinated: Just as it says on the tip, you simply put clothes of the same colour together.

Fill in the gaps
Once you’ve got all of your clothing back where it should be, looking all organised, it is really easy to see if there are any gaps if your wardrobe and what things you need to pick up. Here you make a shopping list and fill the wardrobe with a few new bits which make you feel super good and it’s just nice to replace your wardrobe with things that match your current style that bit more once in a while. Be sure to inject some colour into your Spring wardrobe. If you’re anything like myself and dress like Wednesday Addams on the usual day, Spring is finally the time to let a little bit of colour creep into the wardrobe. As a starting point it is nice to choose a limited amount of accent colours which fit with the whole ‘everything goes with everything’ thing if you’ve got a black-and-white style going on.
A few mini tips for along the way:
-You do not have to try on everything. If you wear it once a week, it stays.
-If it has sentimental value, keep it.
-If it doesn’t fit, there is no point saying you’ll lose/gain weight. It is time to replace it.
About six hours, a bag full of clothes for the charity shop and a hoovered room later, another clear-out is complete. Until next time that is...
All the love,
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