Undefinable Collection of Random Thoughts

Wednesday, 4 April 2018

Openly to the forever important ones: part one.

I saw you that night. At that night club I don’t even remember the name of. Your head bobbing up and down in the crowd as you were floating in a sea of people on the other side of the room. You looked left. You looked right. Catching glimpses of whatever it was that was calling your attention.
Someone bumps into you. You spill a little bit of your drink on your shoes, and I can tell you’re irritated by the way you smile so politely to the drunk girl scrambling all over herself to apologize.
You keep coming towards me. You haven’t seen me yet. You’re by yourself, as far as I can tell.
A thought crosses my mind. How have you been? Who do you spend your time with these days?
You push even further through the crowd towards me. We’re meters apart now. You look down to find your footing in the thrall of bodies surrounding you, and then you look back up.
Directly into my eyes.
Months worth of memories and feelings instantly jolt across the room above the swaying heads. Do they see it as it passes over them?
Do they see that time we were really drunk at a party and ended up in a nearby field as you so badly tried to teach me those star constellations you adore so much? Do they see that moment when you brought me to your favourite place as you first told me you loved me? Do they see the conversations about everything and nothing or the rainy Saturdays at yours?
How can they not see these things? They’re flying right over their heads at a thousand miles an hour, from my eyes to yours. I see them. But more than anything, the emotion attached to those events. That’s all I can see.
You hold the gaze just long enough to transfer a lifetime back and forth, but not long enough to rekindle a fire that’s died out. Somewhere inside, my heart breaks a little.
You grin at me muttering a quick ‘Hi’. You look down again. You try to find your footing and continue to push through the crowd. You pass right by me. Your hand gently nudges me aside as you do. Another body in a crowd. Now we’re just a body in each other’s way.
As you pushed through the crowd out of my sight I pondered upon the pain I felt when it was over. I thought about it for a minute as on the outside I laughed with my friends walking further away from our little encounter.
Then I saw you again later that night.
It was 3am as I stood out waiting for my friends to grab their takeaways after a fairly successful night out. It was raining. Absolutely pouring. I didn’t really mind though. Maybe it was the alcohol or the tiredness and longing for my bed I felt. Probably a mixture of all those things. Then in between the laughter caused by a joke a drunk stranger shared, I lifted my head, letting the rain fall on the leftover makeup on my face – and I saw you. You were walking in the opposite direction to where I was standing, with your back to me, a pretty blonde’s hand intertwined with yours as she drunkly swirled around the dimly lit street hugging you. And I smiled. It was my most genuine smile in a long time.
It is easy to say you’re over someone when you’re not experiencing their presence in your life but when you see them it really is a whole other story. Everything comes back hitting you harder than the love itself. But at that moment, as I saw you with somebody else, it truly didn’t affect me and I was happily ready to truly let you go.
I do think about you sometimes though. I always will. I think about you with a firm realization that it is okay to miss something but not want it back. I think about what you’re doing, who you’ve become, what parts of your personality have risen to the top or almost faded away now in all this time without me. I guess it is kind of selfish to center questions about you around our relationship, but you have to understand that I only knew you in one context. No matter how great life gets, to this day, I sometimes see something that reminds me of you and relive our moments in my mind, just for a brief second, before returning back to reality. But I realized that whenever I do, I always feel a strange combination of sadness and joy.
Sadness for the lack of the feeling that the thought of you used to fill me with.
The lack of that feeling that made me feel so alive. You really proved to me that that feeling exists, not something I fully believed before I met you.
But I also feel happiness as there are still good things to take out of it all, so much that I learned. I hope you learned too. I hope that you can look back and see things about us that make you smile. We were clueless alright but I hope you can see things that remind you how much fun it was, and things that make you laugh at us - because I definitely do. All the little things. We really did think we knew it all.
I feel like I was so much younger when we broke up, even though it wasn’t that long ago. It took me a while but I understood that people outgrow each other in ways we have no control over. We were simply not right and that’s okay. When I look back, I know it was too much too young.
I wish you could see me now. I know it sounds stupid, but I wish you could look at the progress I’ve made in my life and how strong I’ve become. You letting go of me that day a year ago made me flourish in ways your presence would have never allowed me to. I’d love for you to see how all the insecurity that used to control me drifted into the unknown as I learned the importance of self-care. The girl who sought constant reassurance, exuded relentless insecurities and had zero ability to take control of her life is a foreigner to me now. I’d love for you to see how much I have grown and who I’ve become and how things have changed I guess. I’m almost unrecognizable now that I’m not walking on eggshells.
I hope you understand that I will always care for you, in a different way though. More like a distant friend who you’ve lost touch with but still long to laugh with every so often.
I have some good memories with you and I choose to remember you that way. You helped me grow in ways no one else has and I’ll forever be grateful for that. Did I mention I don’t overthink anymore? When I say I want you to be happy, I completely mean it. And I hope you’re well. I hope you’re living life the way you wanted to, and have gained enough perspective to know, that something doesn’t have to last forever to have value.

Although the pain outweighed our memories for a little too long, I’m all good now like I promised myself I would be. Just the way I told myself on-repeat on my way to see you that Sunday morning before it was over. I’ve found that yes, the good times do outweigh the bad, but love outweighs pain – and I no longer feel a thing.
All the love kid. x


  1. This is so amazing. You put emotions into words so well, honestly amazing!!

  2. I recently went through a breakup and this brought me to tears. Your writing is something else and im so happy for you and I cant wait to reach that point. I know I will be okay but just wish I can skip this bad part. Please keep doing you I cant wait to read more!


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