Undefinable Collection of Random Thoughts

Monday, 6 November 2017

This is Heartbreak.

April 11th 2017 10.22pm

Heartbreak; what I find to be the most misunderstood word. You don’t know heartbreak the way someone else does. There will never be a clear definition of heartbreak. There is your heartbreak, and then there is someone else’s. Right now I guess it is my time to experience it and as a form of therapy, I will share a little bit about it with you (prepare for a complete ramble).

I don’t think anything in life prepares for heartbreak. It is bad – bad in the kind of way I can’t sleep, but don’t want to get out of bed either; bad like my chest hurts as if my heart had actually been physically damaged; bad as in no other pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. Something beautiful had happened –and something beautiful turned ugly, I guess I am grieving intensely for the beauty that was lost.

If it was physically possible to truly portray feelings on film, I’d say I had a romance they could make movies about. Being with him felt like being discovered and affirmed. It felt like I could do or say anything I ever wanted without fear because I knew, no matter what, he would be there and he’d make it better. It didn’t work out. I wish I could talk about the dissolution of the relationship and point to one reason it ended – but I can’t. I have my inclinations. For so long we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with us and I now know the moments I began to feel uncomfortable. I know the moments he began to feel trapped. Something wasn’t sitting right, and the longer it stayed, the less comfortable I was with myself.

He promised me he’d never hurt me and he kept his promise. He never directly hurt me, but he is still the cause of the worst pain I have ever experienced. You know that scene in The Fault in Our Stars when Hazel has to describe her pain and she saves the 10 for the worst case scenario? Well this is certainly (to my surprise) my 10.

The first day was obviously the hardest and I can’t even say what I felt because it was everything at once. The sadness, the pain, the heartbreak and a bit of everything really. No matter how prepared you may be, it is a shock. It is like every moment, day and memory you shared together comes back to you and hits you just as deeply as you loved the person and in my case, it was a lot. In fact, maybe too much. This breakup did not only change my relationship status, it changed the state of my heart, and it shifted from my passions and whatever happiness I had, to survival, and just getting through each minute without feeling the weight of my heart being broken into a million pieces. No longer am I worried about what is going on around me. Now I am only worried about whether I have the strength to keep going and whether what I was doing even mattered to me anymore.

Heartbreak is grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. It is the pit in your stomach no matter what you do. It is the memories and reminders burned into the back of your eyelids at 4am. It is insomnia, it is the small leak within your chest that turns into an oil spill. It is something that feels like it will never go away, it stains you. Modern heartbreak is quiet but yet so loud. It is the little things that hang like weights in your ribcage. It is seeing that they no longer are in your life, that they are enamoured with new souls. Modern heartbreak is having to explain, explain and explain because everyone sees it and that’s all yet ahead of me. It makes you think about all the ways you could have been better. It makes you think about all the ways you could have been more. And that is why it is so difficult and makes you consider drinking yourself to unconsciousness to drown the pain or maybe just stop it for a while.

 I soon learned that there are a few stages which you fluctuate between: there is the shattered stage when you’re in pieces, the strong stage that constantly reminds you that you can get through it and the ‘im perfectly fine’ stage where you try to convince yourself you’re over it and attempt to convince your friends to go out that night.

Well I didn’t go out. I ended up bawling my eyes and pouring my heart out to such extent, that I made my friends cry. Please just take a moment to imagine a group of girls crying while drinking hot chocolate…it’s the only time I laughed that day.

My friends made me feel a bit more grounded, maybe because of how funny I found their attempts to cheer me up as I am usually the one in the group with all of the advice. Despite that, I will still forever be grateful for their support because I wouldn’t be able to power through it alone.

But then I came home. And then the ‘shattered’ stage truly began. I guess it really hit me. I sat on my bed and broke down. I cried more tears than I thought I was capable of. And the more time passed, the more it hurt. The more I was drowning in the pain and I think what is the absolute worst thing about it is that for me it isn’t just losing a boyfriend, it is losing a best friend and a person that I absolutely adore as a human being and there is an endless list of things I will miss besides him alone.

The morning after was just as bad. I got about four hours of sleep but I woke up feeling at peace, without my head pounding which was simply refreshing. But that did not last over five minutes before the unbearable pain and tears flooded back and It felt like a dagger in my chest because the pain of not having him in my life is all too real.  Now it is opening my eyes and wanting to turn over and go back to a place where thinking about him is not on autopilot in my mind. But it is. He is every thought. And everything is a reminder.

This is heartbreak.

It is mustering the strength to get out of bed when all you want to do is lay there staring at the ceiling wondering how you even got here and wondering how one human could have impacted you as much as they have.

It is reaching for your phone and a small part of you hoping their name is on the screen.

It’s swearing you’ll never let anyone in again, it’s cursing off love because if this is love, then you want no part of it.

It's hating on your body because he touched it and having the urge to burn all of your  clothes because they serve as reminders of various situations.

It is going through every motion with a smile to hide the fact you feel completely broken and lost inside.

It’s also real life situations. Going to the shop in the state you woke up in with bloodshot eyes from crying and the shop assistant wishing you a good day which in return to you burst out crying with the whole queue behind you staring. This is my experience of heartbreak anyway.

I look at the length of time we have been together, and it seems so short. It looks like nothing compared to all the other years I have lived without knowing you. But, the truth is, it felt like an infinity. It felt like an infinity because of the way I made friends with your past and everything you are. Each precious story you told me about your history made the person you are now so much clearer to me. Each dream, each endeavour, each secret you shared with me made me love you even more. And I thank life every day for all those little things that brought us together. It felt like an infinity because of the road we saw ahead of us. I never believed in something like this existing until I found you. You, who from the very first week, didn’t think I was crazy when I told you my impossible dreams. You,who just like me, isn’t in this for the game, but for the long haul.

It’s hard to imagine that during that very tiny portion of your life, I was someone important. Someone you would call a priority. Someone you would probably do anything for. Someone you said you loved. I am not saying you lied. I know you were honest. I know that at some point, I was everything. But somewhere there in between all that, we just didn’t really know anymore. So it wasn’t an infinity, it was just a taste.

How lucky are those who get to stay in your life. How lucky are those who get to see you smile every day. How lucky are those who get friendly hugs and random high-fives. How lucky are those who you talk to after a bad day. How lucky are those who get to be around you. How lucky are those who hear your name and don’t feel something sharp in their hearts. How lucky are they.

But then I think about how much more of you I had during that small time frame than they’ll ever get as they stay in your life. I had the little things no one will ever experience. I had the inappropriate innuendoes, the real, unfiltered you and shameless conversations. I had first dibs to your time and to your heart. I had the I crave you’s, I miss you’s and I love you’s. In that time, I had you.

Perhaps that was enough time for us to learn from each other and carry on. Perhaps we took a shortcut and ended us way before we were meant to break each other’s hearts. Perhaps we missed out on the best thing that could have ever happened to us because we couldn’t overcome our own doubts.

We’ll never know I guess.

But the one thing I do know is that it was so wonderful that I can’t ever be mad at you for letting go.

It was everything a relationship was supposed to be – safe, loyal, generous, supportive, fun, liberating and a little magical. But there is still so much more we could have and that we wished to do together that neither time nor circumstances permitted. My mind has been like a washing machine, an overloaded one at that, but what I do know for sure is that I’ll never regret giving you that part of my life. And that part will always be yours.

And babe I got around to listening to that new Kasabian song you told me about a few days back - I love it.



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